Peeing on Pee

Truthfully, I've always wanted a place to complain. I feel if I complain to my friends I will be known as a complainer

... and nobody likes a complainer.

So here we have it... my first pet PEEve that I am sharing with you.

Peeing on Pee... I know that it is cool to be all eco-friendly and conserve water, BUT I cannot tell you how much I hate to pee on other peoples pee.

Peeing in public is already a chore (as I'm sure you'll find out in later posts).

One must endure the inhalation of the pee pee and poo poo crumbs in the air. The sooner you flush, the less pee pee and poo poo crumbs are likely to disperse into the air and the less likely I am to inhale and trap them in the cavities of my lungs, throat and mouth. And the less likely they are to circulate around my body's circulatory system! (Okay, maybe that last one is a stretch)

One must also check the seat for tinkle-sprinkle. When lighting is sufficient you can see the tinkle-sprinkle sparkle on the seat. But in darkness, tinkle sprinkle evades notice. So, whether you see it or not, toilet paper must be in hand for a precautionary piss-urine wipe-away. In extreme cases one must create an ass-porcelian barrier by layering toilet paper onto the seat.

Pee.

This is where most people screw up...

If you sit down, you wont be a sprinkler of tinkle. Based on the number of encounters I've had with 'tink sprink' it is clear to me that the majority of people do not sit OR wipe away their tink.

Concerts and other events with drunkards have 100% chance of overlapping tink sprink.

The first person to sprinkle their tinkle starts an irreversible chain reaction. The next person to use the bathroom then has to hover higher than the first person because new height is added to the seat. No one wants to get someone else's tink sprink on their cheeks. Consequently, their tink sprink radius is increased proportionally to their Height of Hover (HOH). Eventually you have to swim through several feet of piss to even reach the toilet.

(Toilet paper is likely to stick to your shoes in these environments)

As you can see, there are enough obstacles. The very least a person can do is flush. You don't even have to touch anything; you lift your leg and stomp on the thing-a-ma-flusher.

Dear Non-Flusher,

I want to start by confessing that when you do not flush your piss, I do. I acknowledge the good in your intentions and that your non-flushing activity is a selfless act to protect the planet against drought.

I apologize for countering your attempts to be eco-friendly. I have no intention to change my behavior so consider this an on-going apology.

I feel I must provide you some rationale for my antagonistic behavior. I assure you it is not because I hate the planet.

When I reach the toilet in a fit of urgency, I just want to sit down and do my biz. Given the nature of public toilets I must prepare the toilet seat. Visual inspection of seat for hairs and tink-sprink, precautionary layering of TP to create a barrier between porcelain and flesh. This takes approximately 23 seconds. If I open the lid to a pot of piss I am burdened with the task of flushing and then waiting for the flush to complete. This takes about 20 seconds time.

It would seem one could perform seat prep and flush duty at the same time, however, things are not as simple as they seem. I have experimented with several procedures. The problem with the multitask approach is this... seat prep requires one to lean over the pool. When the lever is pulled to flush, a whirlpool is formed and the turbulence creates a splash hazard zone. The hazard zone spans 180 degrees, putting legs and face at risk. The last thing you should do when flushing is lean over the toilet. Indeed, after the flush one should quickly turn and face the door, getting as close to it as possible. In addition to evading the splash hazard zone, one also minimizes the total number of molecules inhaled (TMI). These molecules, recently ejected from the bowl by turbulence remain in the air for a few moments, known as Critical Settling Time (CST).

Once surface tension is stabilized in the pool below it is safe to assume TMI levels are low and the CST has passed; it is now safe to commence seat prep.

"What is wrong with peeing on top of my pee?"

I'll tell you what.

...Have you ever dropped an ice cube on the floor and been too lazy to pick it up?

...Me either. But some people have. And to their surprise, mother in the house or not, the puddle vanishes in time. So where does the puddle go? Into the air! It undergoes a phase transition from liquid to gas, also known as evaporation.

The internal body temperature is 98.6 degrees fahrenheit on average. Your piss is inside of you and is also 98.6 degrees. When you piss on top of piss, you are increasing the overall temperature of the piss pot. This heat speeds up the process of evaporation. Now you've got your own piss molecules rising to the ceiling that is your ass, but they aren't alone... no! Your piss molecules are dancing with molecules of toilet water (and I don't mean perfume), and here is where I have the problem... the piss molecules are dancing with Mr. No-Flush's piss molecules! Where do you think those piss-cules are headed? Heat rises.. and unless you can piss at the speed of light, get in, get out... then you, Sir., WILL have a piss cocktail stuck to your nether-regions.

Men who don't sit down to pee need not worry about the Problem of Evaporation Essence (PEE). But let us transition to a situation even worse than peeing on pee. A situation we all face from time to time, no matter your piss position.

POOPING ON PEE!!!

Consider all the above problems compacted with an additional problem of the dreaded Asshole Back-Jet Splash (AHB-JS). When an impact is made onto a liquid surface, a column of water known as the back-jet is generated. It is gross enough to get an asshole soak after a hefty turd is unloaded. But it is doubly gross when you've just unloaded on top of Other Peoples Piss (OPP).

In this most unfortunate event one must continue to hold the Brown Load Expulsion Position (BLEP) of the sphincter to prevent the muscles from going back into place. While this position is held, one must quickly reach for toilet paper and wipe the AHB-JS from the anus to prevent it from entering the body. The tissues of the anus are notably absorbent, no matter how fast you are able to wipe you are already absorbing some amount of the piss-mo-politan.

I hope you can now empathize with those that follow you into the throne room and think twice about the possible harm you could be inflicting upon them. Flush my little Non-flusher... for the heavens will rain down once more and they shall quench the thirst of the Earth. No need for selfless acts of non-flushing any longer!

Sincerely,

Turd Ferguson